Had a really peculiar dream last night. Basically I was in a remote wilderness-like location with 2 other people - not sure who they were, but both were female. I had gone there to meet a man who I was going to ask to kill me. I believe it was my double, Orlando. When I found him there, I told him, "I want you to kill me and throw my body into Winterlake (or maybe the winter lake)." My 2 friends were trying to talk me out of it, but I was adamant and he seemed willing to do it.
The dream becomes fuzzy from there. He was standing behind me, resting his hands on my shoulders, but making no move to proceed. One of my friends said to him, "Are you going to do it or not?" He very softly said, "It's good. It's all good." Whatever he actually did, I don't know. I lost consciousness (at least inside the dream), but I do remember feeling the frigid cold of the water, so maybe my own double did me in... which is one of those things I've always wondered about in that nasty big picture. Do we have to die to become immortal? That thought is troublesome for so many reasons - not to mention paradoxically ironic. Do we have to die to rejoin with our double? I have no answer... just a very disturbing dream that has left me feeling displaced and yet somehow energized this morning.
"Initiation" on the Quantum Shaman Website. The other was this passage from Castaneda's first book, which seems to have ever-increasing relevance as a pattern starts to emerge...
"Once on the other side, the man will have to wander around. His good fortune would be to find a helper nearby - not too far from the entrance. The man has to ask him for help. In his own words he has to ask the helper to teach him and make him a diablero. When the helper agrees, he kills the man on the spot, and while he is dead, he teaches him.
"When you make the trip yourself, depending on your luck, you may find a great diablero in the helper who will kill you and teach you.. After your return, you will not be the same man. You are committed to come back to see your helper often. And you are committed to wander farther and farther from the entrance, until finally one day you will go too far and will not be able to return..."