Freedom of Religion vs. Freedom FROM Religion?

Someone on my Facebook timeline was dismayed by "so many anti-theism posts lately." It's not hard to guess why we're starting to see more people demanding not just freedom OF religion, but freedom FROM religion. So many radical acts have religion at their core and those who are not at all religious can't help but see it as a bit whacko - slaughtering people in the name of some god who may not even exist, and who certainly wouldn't condone their actions if he did. Additionally, religion has been at the heart of persecution since the dawn of time. The Crusades. The witch hunts. Every holy war ever fought. "Holy war." When I think about that, my widdle brain just wants to twist. What is the purpose of murdering people because they don't share one's belief systems? If that isn't the definition of insanity, I don't know what would qualify.

When I was growing up in central Florida, everybody I knew was a "christian" (or claimed to be out of fear). Even the kids in my class all went to church. I couldn't fathom it. Even though I was raised in a VERY religious environment (Southern Baptist), none of it ever made one lick of sense. I thought something was wrong with the adults who gathered in a hot building every Sunday morning to sing hymns to a ghost when they could have been at the beach or in the forest or anything more pleasant (and more in tune with spirit). It wasn't that I was bored. I was actually fascinated - but not in the way me mum and the church ladies might have wished. Kinda like watching a train wreck - it's a horror of epic proportions, but sometimes ya just can't look away.

My deeper disgust with "the church" (aka organized religion) came when my mother, who was 85 at the time and living on a fixed income of less than $700/month, told me she had just been visited by the pastor of her church. His sole reason for the visit? To encourage her to fill out a "Pledge to Tithe." IOW, give 10% of her very meager income to "god." At that point, I saw the true evil of that which claims to be "good." God doesn't need an old woman's money.

Most religions rob people of their personal power - not by accident, but with deliberate and malicious Intent to control. By always telling true believers to "let go and let god", organized religion takes control (or tries to) of free thinking. People find themselves shoved into all sorts of programmed beliefs, many of which are designed to be self-perpetuating. "If you don't believe this, you're going to hell!" "If you don't give God your money, you are giving it to Satan." The list is long. The manipulation is right up there with original sin - and in this way the church has become the very devil it so vilifies.

So my personal agenda is just to tell people - Take back your power! If someone wants to believe in God, that's all fine and good, so long as they aren't being coerced or threatened into believing it because they are told they "should"... or else. Of course... these are just my beliefs. I don't expect anyone to follow them, because that's just another manifestation of "religion". I just like to get people to question not only WHAT they believe, but WHY they believe it. Most times, a lot of religious beliefs are rooted in what they were told as children and what they were also told to never question.
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Scrawls On the Walls of the Soul

The Love Affair With the Unknown

While glancing over an old forum I moderated several years back, I came across this entry from 2007 - one year after the death of my mother. Since time marches by so quickly - well, not really by us as much as it marches over us - I had forgotten ever having written it. Upon reading it, I realized it still has relevance - perhaps not just to myself, but to anyone who has ever fallen in love with the unknown, to anyone who has ever taken time to reflect not only on where we have been, but where we are going.

Just a brief bit of background... My mother's name was Ruby, and she was considered by most to be a simple woman - generally happy and content, never complaining even when it might have been to her advantage to do so. She passed away on October 4, 2006, from colon cancer.

________________________________

October 4, 2007

It was a year ago tonight that my mother died.

I look at those words hanging in cyberspace, and ask myself if it is possible to even wrap my mind around such a thing. And at the same time, I *see* that it is such a simple thing that no understanding is possible, and perhaps not even desirable. Death simply is.

So as I sit here at my desk in the early morning stillness, I am comparing what I know now to what I knew a year ago at this time, and I find that not a lot has changed, yet everything has changed. And again, there is a peculiar sense of juxtaposition. I ask myself questions which are perhaps nothing more than markers on the hem of time. Was I happier then or now? Have I accomplished my goals for the tonal in this past year? Have I moved forward in my love affair with the nagual (the unknown)? Do I know anymore about myself than I did a year ago? Do I know anymore about this thing called death? Do any of us know anything about anything, or are we all just madly jabbering corpses who haven't yet fallen into our crypts?

Perhaps the most important thing about these time markers is that they compel us to reflect. And what I am seeing, generally, in my reflections this morning, is that I am essentially content, even "happy" (whatever that might mean) with regard to my path. And yet... there's that juxtaposition again. At the same time, my eye is drawn to those areas where I see work being required, and to the changes I would hope/need to make. There are those who would say that I tend to focus on the negative - but I have never really seen it that way. To me, attempting to sweep the negative under the rug only makes for a lump in the rug. So when I see areas where improvement is needed, I take on a warrior-stalker's perspective and begin to examine what is perceived to be "wrong" so that I might have a better opportunity of making it "right".

Lest anyone think I'm talking about changing the world, curing cancer or solving terrorism and global hunger, allow me to assure you that I am talking only about matters of Spirit - for ultimately it is the assemblage point of the self which determines our experience of the world.

So is it, then, a matter of simply moving the assemblage point into some "happy space", so as to experience only the so-called "positive" aspects of the world? Though there are many who might think so, that has not been my experience. To me, that only makes that lump under the rug grow larger and eventually one trips over it while ambling along skyclad with only rose-colored glasses for attire.

One thing my mentor-double, Orlando, has stressed emphatically over the years is the need to be *able* to ask the next question. Sounds simple. But something I have really observed over this past year is that most folks simply are not capable of thinking for themselves beyond the rudimentary levels of being able to feed themselves and tie their shoes in the morning. I've tested this with quite deliberate intent over the past year, sometimes even on this forum, by asking questions which require not a recitation of some rote memorization, but would require actual forward-thinking - which, to me, is one of the major cornerstones for the foundation of any evolution of consciousness.

Ask the next question. "When you find yourself at a crossroads in the jungle, the direction in which you proceed may not always be defined by the head, but far more often from the heart. What is your heart telling you now? What do you want to do? What would you change if you could?" Orlando's words to me, less than a month ago.

What's amusing is that the questions themselves usually reveal far more than we might realize at first glance. When my heart is telling me something, it is usually because I may not be particularly content with whatever is going on at the moment. When I ask myself what I want to do, the question itself reveals to me that perhaps some sort of change is not only desirable, but may be required in order for me to move forward. When I ask myself what I would change if I could... the implication is that the status quo may not be satisfactory... and so I must ask the next question...

What is the desired outcome and how might I best move toward that goal? Not with the head, but with the heart.

I look back on my mother's life. Simple things brought her the most pleasure. Raking leaves in her yard. Playing her organ for no one but herself and her dog. Savoring some chocolate thing. She once said that she never had any big dreams and so she never had any big disappointments.

When I think about that, I know it was her own philosophy of the right way to live. Whenever I would ask her about her philosophical beliefs, she would tell me that she placed her faith in God, and left the power-thinking to the pastors and priests and spiritual leaders of the world.

That, of course, is where we differed. And though we both came to be comfortable with that difference, I find that my own questions are not as easily answered. The only god I know is me, and the only faith I have ever known to be founded is the faith I place in myself. And as lonely as it may sound to some, I have truly found that it is a solitary path - a universe of one, yet a universe filled with all possibility, and that it is in asking the next question that we determine which of those possibilities we will fore to go through the motions of actually occurring.

What do I want to do now? When I look at the question with the right eye of the consensual world, there is no single answer that resonates. Many things. No one thing. When I look at the question from the left eye of the Spirit, however, I am immediately filled with a sense of magnificent exhilaration - the way one typically feels when anticipating a long-awaited consummation of a grand love affair. "Tonight is the night," the unseen muse whispers from the sharp edge of a shadow. "Tonight is the night when we will dance the stardust into manifestation and sing the spirit alive."

What I have come to realize is that every night is the night. And though the muse can never be caught, the love affair is in the chase and the unwritten steps of the dance, and the barely heard music of the nagual's one man band.

The magic is in the magician.

What do I want to do? Only that. Yet there is no defining "that". There is only the experience of it... the voice calling your name in a crowd, but when you turn to look, no one's there. The caress of a seductive hand at 3 am, but when you turn to embrace your lover, you find he has taken a step sideways in space/time, and all that remains is the sensation of having been touched by something other, something beyond the realm of human understanding. The scent of cologne - fresh and clean - in a room that has been unoccupied for months. Footprints in desert sand that lead to the middle of nowhere, and then abruptly and inexplicably stop.

The love affair with the nagual, the unknown, the unknowable.

Looking back on the events since the death of my mother, I find that virtually everything we engage in is folly. Perhaps it's a bit amusing to discover that what is the most real to me is what would be considered the most unreal by most allegedly "sane", normal human beings. But that's okay, too. When sanity is measured by the average human being, I am delighted to be considered mad.

And at least I think I have a somewhat better perspective on the next question. What do I want to do now?

The love affair with the unknown. There is nothing else. I do not believe there ever was.

_____________

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The Love Affair With the Nagual

The Waiting Room

It had been a long weekend, though not particularly eventful. After so many years of doing these renaissance faires as a merchant, it all starts to blend together, and at times I find myself not quite remembering what city we're in or what day it is. Most of the time, that's okay - it allows the internal dialogue to stop almost naturally, and quite often I realize I am simply gazing up at the sky or watching the wind stir the leaves of the trees. Unless something happens to disturb that assemblage point, I tend to exist in a state of almost perpetually heightened awareness - on the bridge between first & second attention. Prime real estate, if you ask me.

This is also true when driving home from these long weekends, particularly when I find myself alone in the motorhome as I did on Monday morning. Because the motorhome is a noisy beast of burden, I don't tend to play music while driving, much preferring to let my mind create its own entertainment. So as we drove through north Escondido, through border patrol checkpoints and areas once-green, but now scarred with the signs of more and more new housing developments, I realized I was communing with Orlando (my double).

Can't really say what we were discussing, if anything - though the communion was pleasant and alluring. I was aware of other traffic moving past me as I crested a large hill outside of Escondido, when suddenly a small black boxy car - the type most preferred by shaved-headed rudesters in the age bracket of 21-30 - went zooming past me at such a high rate of speed I was instantly jolted back into hyper-awareness. Because he cut me off when he zipped in front of me, I was forced to slam on the brakes and swerve to the left to avoid smashing him like a bug on the windshield.

What I could not have seen was that ANOTHER rudester - probably "the other guy" with whom Rudester #1 was road-racing - was already moving into the same lane I had just swerved into, and the laws of physics being what they are (two objects cannot occupy the same space at the same time), I was pretty certain Rudester #2 was going to end up as a greasy red smear on the side of the motorhome - a real bitch to clean.

Somehow, though, the collision didn't happen, and both rudesters went racing off in the direction of the wind when I suddenly found myself "out of body" in a manner that tends to happen in moments of great danger. Much to my surprise, it was not much different from this world. I was in a nondescript house, with a sense of being in an upstairs bedroom. The walls were grey-white, no decorations that I could discern, silver-grey carpets, and one window that seemed to face north. The only furniture was a king-size bed with a white chenille spread, and a single nightstand where a pile of old hardcover books were stacked at least 2 feet high.

All of this I observed in a split second, as I became aware that Orlando was standing next to the bed, dressed in jeans and a white long-sleeve shirt, arms folded over his chest as he regarded me with a knowing little smile that was almost sinister. Just seeing him in that manner brought my heart into my throat. I wondered briefly if that collision had happened after all - if not in ordinary awareness, then certainly in some parallel reality. Was this all there was? Just a nondescript room in a nondescript house on the edge of nowhere in particular? And the Nagual man standing there like some dark spirit of a night that never ends? Despite the fact that it had been daytime in the motorhome, it was night here - black like silk velvet, with a star hanging on a thin thread in the open window.

As if hearing my thoughts, Orlando laughed. "This is just the waiting room," he said with a shrug. "When I'm not manifesting as a little boy in Greece or a pirate on the old seas, or a prince in the leg irons of responsibility, this is as good a place to wait as any."

I didn't need to ask what he was waiting for. I had almost just experienced it - that last dance with the eagle that may come in the form of a car wreck or a heart attack or simply closing one's eyes and never waking up. I didn't bother asking if I were dead. Didn't seem to matter much, either way. To my amusement, I was okay with that.

"So what next?" I asked, sitting on the edge of the huge white bed. The chenille was soft against my palms, every bit as real as anything in first attention. He knew what was on my mind, but I spelled it out for him anyway. "Just seems these past few months haven't exactly gone according to plan. And frankly I've even started to question the path. We like to think things happen for a reason, but the only meaning is what we assign to it all, and the only path is the one behind us."

Though he had been standing by the bed, I realized he had moved to the window. I say "moved" because that's how my first attention mind defines the results, but the reality of it was that he had simply shifted his assemblage point from A to B. No real "movement" occurred in the traditional sense. It made me smile. So he stood there at the window with his back to me, gazing out at the vast expanse of infinity while his chest rose and fell as if he were just an ordinary man breathing in a slow, even manner.

What he said next rattled me to the core of my foundation. "You've come to the end of the path." Now he turned and met my eyes, and in his gaze were galaxies and universes and entire vistas of the nagual glittering like diamonds just out of reach.

I forced myself not to look away even though it was like gazing into the depth of the abyss itself. I was reminded of the first time I spoke to this "man" when he was in manifestation almost 20 years in the past. He had scared me then. He scared me a lot more now. And yet, at the same time and in the same breath, I was without fear, for none of it mattered anymore.

"Creation rises out of the nothing at the command of those who follow no path, you see. Every action you have taken on the journey has led you to this moment, when the road disappears beneath your feet and you realize it has led you to the source of all power... and that source is only yourself." Though his words held a twinge of melancholy, the irony appeared to amuse him. "What you do next is a matter of intent - but far more importantly, it is a movement of Will."

And then, before I could argue or agree or even think, I was back in the world of first attention, on a freeway that was too brightly lit and too noisy and far too coarse and vulgar somehow. The motorhome was still lumbering down the road, the rudesters were long gone, and for a strange moment outside of time, it was as if I were looking at a movie playing out on the windshield - two-dimensional, flat-line, unreal. A quick vision of The Matrix reminded me of the character who, after a lifetime of staring at it all, only saw the coding.

I realized that's how I have felt for quite some time. Having stripped away the illusions and the programs and the role-playing games, we are left with the code that runs it all, but appears to have no real source other than the code itself. Suffice it to say that the coding is every bit as visible as the sunrise, and every bit as predictable. It's why I have been able to predict every unpredictable turn of events that has occurred over the past few weeks - and it is in the coding itself that I begin to realize why I have felt powerless at times to alter the course of that coding in my own life.

"...what you do next... is a movement of Will..."

That movement of will has to do with operating at a level above or beyond or simply aside from the code - for as long as we are part of the code, as long as we are stuck on any "path", we are not truly free to create from the heart of the nagual. As long as we are part of the code, we are playthings of the eagle, extensions of the tonal.

Over the days that followed since this incident in the waiting room, I thought at length about Orlando's words. When we come to the end of the path, we begin to see that each of us is "the one."
What's next is always what we create.

____________________

copyright 2007-2015, by Della Van Hise

All Rights Reserved

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The Singular Duality of the Warrior

In a recent discussion where the subject was touched upon, some of the comments put forth included: "I don't believe in the double." "The double doesn't exist except as a component of self." "The double can ONLY be like what Carlos described of Genaro's double. It's an exact duplicate of the warrior."

As I read the transcript of this discussion, where the conversation actually turned somewhat volatile, it occurred to me that a lot of the reactions I am seeing with regard to this subject are based almost wholly in the assemblage point of fear - a fear generated by 1) lack of comprehension; and 2) the insecurities of the ego as it resides in the tonal.

When an otherwise advanced warrior proclaims, "I don't believe in the double," to me it's usually a signal that some old program is running in the background, which is distorting one's perception of oneself. One warrior whom I questioned about this recently told me, "The double is just a myth, isn't it? It's just a way of explaining a feeling - like Santa Claus being used to promote some essence of Christmas."

Another warrior friend once asked me, "If you had to define the double in 5 minutes or less, what would you say?"

My response: "The double is the evolved self, projected initially by the mortal warrior as a manifestation of the intent to preserve awareness beyond the threshold of 'death'. It is created from the energy of the warrior, literally, but takes on a life of its own as a projection of the warrior's Will. We give the double 'life'. When the warrior puts forth the intent which says, "Teach me," or "Make me whole," the double is the teacher who then begins 'dreaming the warrior'. In this manner, the warrior is able to perceive well beyond the assemblage point of the tonal, and actually begins to utilize information and Knowledge gleaned directly from the assemblage point of the double - which might also be termed the AP of the nagual. As the warrior progresses on her path, the two assemblage points begin moving closer together, so that when the warrior's tonal is vacated at death, the dual assemblage points conjoin to create 'the totality of oneself' - or what I have come to call 'a singularity of consciousness'." (Yes, this is a MUCH simplified definition.)

Carlos Castaneda wrote:

"The self dreams the double. Once it has learned to dream the double, the self arrives at this weird crossroad and a moment comes when one realizes that it is the double who dreams the self. Your double is dreaming you. No one knows how it happens. We only know that it does happen. That's the mystery of us as luminous beings. You can awaken in either one." (Don Juan, TALES OF POWER)

Though these words have been perceived as a riddle by many over the years, my own work has shown that CC was speaking in a very literal sense here - but our own understanding will be either limited or enhanced, depending entirely on the preconceived notions we bring to the table. Put another way: if someone has already determined that they don't "believe" in the double, or that the double is "only a component of self", then

that is the colored filter through which the words will be viewed, and from that filter, the warrior's own understanding will be limited at best, and often even thwarted altogether. Why? Because when we do not allow ourselves to even consider what might lie beyond what we already "believe", we have closed off the energetic connection to the realm of all possibility, and have confined ourselves to our own narrow and rigid belief systems.

The double is not a theory. It is not a religion. And it is not a belief system. To the warrior who has experienced her double, it is simply what-is. To the warrior who has not experienced her double, it remains as an energetic potential in the realm of all possibility which must be forced to go through the motions of actually occurring.

So much of this Toltec path (or any serious path of Knowledge) lies within our ability to set aside what we "believe" and deal instead with what we have never even considered - those concepts and otherworlds which exist beyond the worlds and in the realm of actual experience. But that's where the ego can become fragile and fearful and slam on the brakes with blanket statements such as, "I don't believe in the double." Obviously, the ego may not want to believe in the double, for the simple reason that the double tends to represent something "larger" than the sum of our human parts - and the ego is not particularly forgiving of anything which it may perceive as "greater" than itself.

I mention this primarily as a tool for our own awareness, and it is a tool I use ruthlessly in my own journey. If I find myself recoiling and stating, "I don't believe in this or that!" it is often helpful to turn and look the demon in the face and ask oneself why I am so closed to the possibility which elicits such a response in the first place. Most often, I will discover that my "beliefs" are generated as a comfort zone for the ego, rather than based in any sort of actuality. And, of course, once this is *seen* and acknowledged, it is a relatively simple matter to put the ego aside, shift awareness to a more fluid position, and look at the whole concept from an entirely different point of view. So, it's awareness OF the ego that essentially enables us to BYPASS the ego when dealing with matters of the double, the nagual, or any other unknown which may be frightening to our animal-humanform awareness.

To limit the double is to limit the self. To limit the self is to defeat the purpose of the double. To see and acknowledge only the tonal self is nothing more than a manifestation of the ego's insecurities. Please consider that - for it is ultimately the insecurities of the ego which have the greatest potential to derail the warrior entirely. If you are given to meditation, this is a topic which almost always yields new insights & perspectives. What do we have the potential to BE when we set aside ego and belief, and open the door to the manifestation of "all possibility"?

So ultimately, the double represents the other half of the dual assemblage point of man. We perceive the tonal with our 5 ordinary senses. We perceive the nagual with the *other* senses (no way to know how many) which are inherent in the energetic construct of the double. When these assemblage points overlap (through dreaming, meditation or gnosis/silent knowing), the warrior gains glimpses of her connection to the infinite. When the two assemblage points conjoin at death, the warrior may be said to inhabit the totality of herself, achieving what some have referred to as "ultimate freedom."

Of course... my personal sense is that the ultimate freedom of our totality is most likely only one more step in an infinite journey. From the wholeness of our totality, we embrace the first step of the next evolution.
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To learn more about the double, visit my website at...

Life, Death and Freedom

At a recent cybergathering, a seeker asked me the following question:

Do you believe that if you do not have a shamanic death, you will be not be immortal?

My response was as follows...

Basically, I think a lot of folks will make it past the eagle, into some form of "immortality", but I've *seen* that there is "existence" (a form of awareness without much ability to do or to evolve beyond that point), or there is an actual evolution of consciousness into what don Juan called the "state of freedom".

The path of the warrior is largely about acquiring and developing the ability to evolve into that state of freedom where one would be not only ubiquitously aware, but also possessing sufficient power & individuality to maintain what we think of as an "identity" that is both a part of and yet distinguishable from All sentience. My personal understanding of the "state of freedom" is that one would have ubiquitous immortality (existing in all places and times simultaneously), but at the same time would maintain one's own individual cohesion. One would be "I Am" rather than "it is" or "we are".

As for the idea of a shamanic death.. I think all creatures have it within themselves to live a shamanic life, even if they have never heard the word 'shamanism'. At the core of every living thing, there is what don Juan called "the right way to live" -- an instinct that brings us into alignment with the evolutionary mindset of the sentient all. So, in that regard, the old adage of "there are many pathways to the bardo" is very true. But at the core level, I think each individual either does the work of spiritual evolution, or doesn't do it. If it isn't done, then the "individual" is most likely discorporated after death. The energy would remain, of course, as part of the universal sentience, but the I-Am would most likely be lost, dissolved into information (impersonal) as opposed to Knowledge (Knowledge itself implying there is an I-Am based in experience - iow, there is "one-who-knows").

For obvious reasons, this isn't a particularly popular opinion, which is why most organized religions take the more palatable approach that the "soul" is immortal no matter what. While that is true at the level of energy, most shamanic cultures recognize that the individual's life and how it is lived have a direct influence on how one spends eternity. From personal vision quests, I have come to See that Christianity's concept of Hell undoubtedly originated from the same basic core realization that, without some form of "redemption", the soul is cast into limbo after death. Unfortunately, all too many religions seek to place the idea of "redemption" into the hands of an external deity, whereas shamanism (and nagualism in particular) recognizes that the evolution of the Self is the only possibility for redemption from that discorporated awareness-without-identity (aka "limbo").

I've been to both "places" in vision quests - the place of sentient awareness without identity, and the state of ultimate freedom. While words cannot describe either one adequately, one thing I'm sure of is that without the I-Am, there is only a sense of eternal "limbo" -- awareness without cohesion. Personally, I found that discorporated state of ubiquitous observer to be less than desirable because there was no sense of differentiation - and without that, all is virtually sameness, the universe looking at itself through its own eyes and finding nothing new under the suns. It is the I-Am which gives meaning and enables the love affair between Self and Spirit.
_____________
Copyright 2015, by Della Van Hise
All Rights Reserved

To read similar anecdotes...

Scrawls On the Walls of the Soul
The mind-bending follow-up to
Quantum Shaman

The Shaman's Double: Dispelling the Myths

"All things exist within the realm of possibility, but only some things will be forced to go through the motions of actually occurring." (Quantum theory)

As a result of participating in forums for the past 15+ years, and particularly in the course of presenting my own work on the subject of the double, one thing continues to amaze and amuse me, and it is essentially the reaction some people have to the mere concept of "the double".

In an online chat where the subject was touched upon, some of the comments put forth included:

"I don't believe in the double."

"The double doesn't exist except as a component of self."

"The double can ONLY be like what Carlos described of Genaro's double. It's an exact duplicate of the warrior."

As I read the transcript of this chat, where the conversation actually turned somewhat volatile, it occurred to me that a lot of the reactions I am seeing with regard to this subject are based almost wholly in the assemblage point of fear - a fear generated by 1) lack of comprehension; and 2) the insecurities of the ego as it resides in the tonal.

When an otherwise advanced warrior proclaims, "I don't believe in the double," to me it's usually a signal that some old program is running in the background which is distorting one's perception of oneself. One warrior whom I questioned about this recently told me, "The double is just a myth, isn't it? It's just a way of explaining a feeling - like Santa Claus being used to promote some essence of Christmas."

Hmmm.
____________________


While most of what I am going to say here may be repetitious to some, it seems that if the understanding of the double is so limited and distorted, perhaps more work is required. To me, it is simply obvious. But perhaps I am taking for granted that my own path has been blessed with a powerful communion with the nagual for as far back as I can remember. Perhaps what is obvious to me is Greek to someone else, and vice versa.

Another warrior friend once asked me, "If you had to define the double in 5 minutes or less, what would you say?"

My response: "The double is the evolved self, projected initially by the mortal warrior as a manifestation of the intent to preserve awareness beyond the threshold of 'death'. It is created from the energy of the warrior, literally, but takes on a life of its own as a projection of the warrior's Will. We give the double 'life'. When the warrior puts forth the intent which says, "Teach me," or "Make me whole," the double is the teacher who then begins 'dreaming the warrior'*. In this manner, the warrior is able to perceive well beyond the assemblage point of the tonal, and actually begins to utilize information and Knowledge gleaned directly from the assemblage point of the double - which might also be termed the AP of the nagual. As the warrior progresses on her path, the two assemblage points begin moving closer together, so that when the warrior's tonal is vacated at death, the dual assemblage points conjoin to create 'the totality of oneself' - or what I have come to call 'a singularity of consciousness'." 

Carlos Castaneda wrote: "The self dreams the double. Once it has learned to dream the double, the self arrives at this weird crossroad and a moment comes when one realizes that it is the double who dreams the self. Your double is dreaming you. No one knows how it happens. We only know that it does happen. That's the mystery of us as luminous beings. You can awaken in either one." (Don Juan, TALES OF POWER)

Though these words have been perceived as a riddle by many over the years, my own work has shown that CC was speaking in a very literal sense here - but our own understanding will be either limited or enhanced, depending entirely on the preconceived notions we bring to the table. Put another way: ir someone has already determined that they don't "believe" in the double, or that the double is "only a component of self", then that is the colored filter through which the words will be viewed, and from that filter, the warrior's own understanding will be limited at best, and often even thwarted altogether. Why? Because when we do not allow ourselves to even consider what might lie beyond what we already believe, we have closed off the energetic connection to the realm of all possibility, and have confined ourselves to our own narrow and rigid belief systems.

The double is not a theory. It is not a religion. And it is not a belief system. To the warrior who has experienced her double, it is simply what-is. To the warrior who has not experienced her double, it remains as an energetic potential in the realm of all possibility which must be forced to go through the motions of actually occurring.

So much of this Toltec path (or any serious path of Knowledge) lies within our ability to set aside what we believe and deal instead with what we have never even considered - those concepts and other worlds which exist beyond the worlds and in the realm of actual experience. But that's where the ego can become fragile and fearful and slam on the brakes with blanket statements such as, "I don't believe in the double." Obviously, the ego may not want to believe in the double, for the simple reason that the double tends to represent something "larger" than the sum of our human parts - and the ego is not particularly forgiving of anything which it may perceive as "greater" than itself.

To limit the double is to limit the self. To limit the self is to defeat the purpose of the double. To see and acknowledge only the tonal self is nothing more than a manifestation of the ego's insecurities. Please consider that - for it is ultimately the insecurities of the ego which have the greatest potential to derail the warrior entirely. If you are given to meditation, this is a topic which almost always yields new insights & perspectives. What do we have the potential to BE when we set aside ego and belief, and open the door to the manifestation of "all possibility"?

So ultimately, the double represents the other half of the dual assemblage point of man. We perceive the tonal with our 5 ordinary senses. We perceive the nagual with the *other* senses (no way to know how many) which are inherent in the energetic construct of the double. When these assemblage points overlap (through dreaming, meditation or gnosis/silent knowing), the warrior gains glimpses of her connection to the infinite. When the 2 assemblage points conjoin at death (or at the moment of transmogrification, in the case of "death-defiers"), the warrior may be said to inhabit the totality of herself, achieving what some have referred to as "ultimate freedom."

Of course... my personal sense is that the ultimate freedom of our totality is most likely only one more step in an infinite journey. From the wholeness of our totality, we embrace the first step of the next evolution.

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Della Van Hise, copyright 2015

All Rights Reserved

The double only exists when we do the work to create it.

The Sorcerer and the Ordinary Man

(A message from the double, via silent knowing)

It is easier for a sorcerer to perform the chores of an ordinary man than it is for an ordinary man to comprehend the ways of the sorcerer. You are skating on the edge of two different worlds, which are nonetheless the same world, the only world. The trick is learning to See that, and to be neither the sorcerer nor the ordinary man, but the cohesive I-Am which is both.

Then, when the two become one, there is no longer any sense of urgency or conflict, for then you will always be doing sorcery even in ordinary actions, and ordinary acts will become enhanced with magic, and only then will you start to remember that it isn't the destination that matters nearly as much as the manner in which you travel that long dirt road on the outskirts of time, yes?

Orlando (November 25, 2003)

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The Warrior's Party - Reality or Myth?

Since the topic of a "warrior's party" has come up in several threads on the Carlos Castaneda FB group recently, I'd like to open a discussion on the subject. I'll offer some of my own opinions, which anyone is free to disagree with - though I'm hoping for some genuinely authentic forward thinking here.

From my own experience and Knowledge, I'd have to say that the idea of a warrior's party as it was described by Carlos is probably not as viable in today's world as it was when Carlos was roaming the desert with Don Juan Matus (and that's IF those events really happened as they are described, vs. whether they may be allegorical). Though they are valid either way it is my opinion that IF the events as described are accurate, what Carlos left us with is what amounts to a road map to freedom. Both Carlos and don Juan made comments which implied that the old lineages were ending. That being the case, it is also my contention that Carlos was "selected" (whether by DJM or by Spirit) to chronicle some of the Toltec wisdom and the ways of nagualism - not just as field notes for an anthropology thesis, but for future generations.

If read as a whole unit, CC's books (as well as the writings of many other Toltec/nagualism authors) provide the seeker with various techniques, as well as with the suggestion that any REAL change has to come from the Self. No teacher, no other warriors, no nagual man or nagual woman is going to take you to Freedom. If you're going there, it's a one-way trip and a one-person ticket. The idea of a warrior's party (in my opinion) is more of an allegory than a fact - so for those who are actually looking for a warrior's party... I think you would have better luck looking for leprechauns or Lilliputians.

This isn't to say that warrior's parties don't exist. They probably do. But I'm not sure they are what a lot of seekers imagine them to be. So many seekers I've worked with over the years have an idea in their head that a warrior's party means gathering in the desert to participate in mitotes, to argue vehemently with other warriors, and to sit at the feet of some don Juan character who exists solely in their own head.

The path must evolve - and I feel that it has since CC wrote his books, and it will continue to evolve and adapt because that is simply the way of Spirit. It approaches us on the level where we presently exist, and encourages us to advance, grow and evolve. I'm sure there was a time when actual warrior parties were the way of things. But that is no longer the world in which most of us live, and yet I know from direct experience (with myself and many, many others) that Spirit still calls to us and gives us the means whereby to reach Freedom. No warrior's party necessary. What is necessary is "The Work", but also the willingness to let go of the "ideas" in our head which try to tell us - "It can only be this way and no other way." As long as seekers cling to such fixed and inflexible ideas, they are probably not in service to themselves, but to the Program, and to the Eagle.

The idea of a warrior's party is extremely appealing, even romantic in many ways (spiritually romantic, not necessarily sexually romantic, just for clarification). And yet... I don't perceive it to be a realistic goal in the context of the world we live in today. Most of all, a warrior/seeker has to be adaptable and forward-thinking at all times (fluid, in other words). Spirit and the nagual are all around us, and when we learn to connect to them through the power of silence (gnosis or silent-knowing) we have the library of the Infinite at our fingertips. The warrior's party is inside each and every one of us. Learning to recognize and identify the various "characters" within our own skin is just part of the journey. You are already don Juan, don Genaro, dona Soledad, La Gorda, the witches, Silvio Manuel... and all the rest.

Do you want to be hooked to your fellow men, or to infinity? Take back your power - that's where you'll find the warrior's party.

Della Van Hise

June, 2015

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First Shaman, First Nagual

(A "silent knowing" from the double)

A teacher is a necessary thing, but first one must decide what makes a teacher. Is it a human being who stands before you with rigid lessons or facts to be memorized? Or is it a drop of rain falling onto the surface of a still pond and the ripples that flow outward? Most often, those who are ready, those who have learned to See, begin to engage with the teacher within almost from the start – even if it is only the voice of the mortal self at first, asking questions of the spirit which only the spirit can answer. Ah, and can you see that it is the questioning and the answering, the give and take between the spirit and the self, which is the first step in the creation of the double, and once this process is internalized, it creates a link to the infinite which no earth-bound teacher could ever match?

And yet, to others, perhaps an external teacher is required in the beginning – someone to teach the apprentice how to undo the world of matter and men, how to hear her own voices, how to see with the inner eye, how to listen with the heart, how to speak to the spirit and be heard by the infinite. Learning these things may take a year, a decade, or a lifetime. To some, the lessons are never finished, and so they remain at the level of apprentice forever. But to the warrior who Sees, once the techniques are learned, it becomes almost a compulsion to seek the inner silence, listening only to the inner teacher, which is the act of beginning to embrace the double as the sentient, Whole Self outside of time, who knows you better than you know yourself and therefore is most qualified to teach you how to be who and what you already Are, but have only briefly forgotten. When that occurs, when the warrior begins to live with the totality of herself, the student becomes the teacher, and in some cases, even the new nagual - whether it is her conscious desire or not. Such is the evolution of the nagual. Such is the manner in which the Knowledge self-perpetuates even after lying dormant for centuries, for it is not stored in the fabric of space-time, but within the energetic sentience of the universe itself, within the Be-ing of every nagual who has ever been or ever will be. It is a living energy and as such can never be destroyed.

Each nagual is the first nagual. Each shaman is the first shaman. It cannot be otherwise. All that is ever really handed across generations is information: techniques, concepts, ideas. You are an infinite being, and as such you are comprised of infinite Knowledge. All that is required to embrace it is Intent.

(Orlando, April 1, 2003)
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Conversations With the Shaman's Double

Benefactors, Teachers & the Shaman's Double

One thing I've always found interesting about the photo on the left
is that the characters of don Juan and the Eagle are both
 inside the head of the apprentice. To me, this indicates
that our greatest teachers and our greatest fears are reflection
 of the Self - the ability to create ourselves Whole, or the ability
 to destroy ourselves completely. "Look within," as the old saying goes.

If one happens upon a teacher or benefactor with whom one can personally connect, then they might consider themselves truly fortunate. But I do not for a moment think an extant teacher is necessary, for the simple reason that the first knowledge had to come from somewhere.

Who was the first Zen master?

Who was the first Toltec benefactor?

Who is The One?

It is always and only the Self - connecting with the infinite through gnosis (silent knowing). I did not gain my experiences sitting at the feet of any guru, nor uploading the belief systems of any religion, nor analyzing my reflexive behaviors through the prodding of any human being. Human beings have agendas. There can be no exceptions, for that is the nature of being in human form. Psychiatrists have a vested interest in keeping their patients coming back, so they aren't going to offer a "cure" right away unless they themselves are truly evolved, and most simply aren't. The same is true for spiritual teachers, psychics and the like. Unless they are spiritually evolved themselves (and most aren't), they have a powerful interest in keeping the hook in the student, and so even if they have their finger on the pulse of All Knowledge, they aren't going to reveal it in a single setting because it isn't profitable to do so (nor is it possible). Even those who offer their services and advice for free are often feeding on the adulation and dependencies of their apprentices, so there is ALWAYS an agenda from ANYONE in human form.

Not all agendas are bad, but to think they don't exist is foolhardy. What matters is having sufficient AWARENESS to *see* this. This was addressed briefly in one of the CC books, when don Juan was talking about how everything we do is "self-centered" in one way or another. Even if we give money to a homeless guy with no strings attached, somewhere inside ourselves our agenda involves making ourselves "feel better" - not just about the homeless man, but most of all, about the self.

Each of us has to do the work of our own evolution, and it's always the self/double at the helm. A really good extant benefactor can point out our weaknesses and strengths, and maybe even provide advice or working with both, but all too often the student gets ensnared in the process to the point that the process can take the place of actual evolution. The double will not allow this to happen, because it isn't in his/her own best interest, and so it's like a constant "push" once we set our intent and begin opening to our own gnosis - which really is the only "guide" we ever need, because it is the direct interface between the Self and the Infinite.

Put simply, any warrior who has come far enough on the path to recognize the need for a benefactor is rather like Dorothy in Oz. The ruby slippers were right there all along, but Dorothy had externalized her salvation to "the wizard"... who... in the end... couldn't save her at all.

Click your heels together. Meet your double in the mirror. Take back your own power. Within that equation lies the single centimeter of chance that leads to Freedom.

___________________________

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Surviving the Jungle

A little parable about a little survivor

***

A wealthy man decides to go on a safari in Africa and takes his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.
So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!"

Then he notices some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who has been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dachshund sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?"

But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet... and just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says, "Where's that monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

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Survival 101

Intent and Will

(A communication from the double)
One thing I have come to understand is that you do not fully comprehend the nature of intent. I fear you're confusing it with intentions and it's a clever trick of the Eagle that the two words bear visual resemblance but are essentially opposites.

Look at it like this: you will never become eternally Whole through good intentions but only through unbending intent, and if you don't see the difference you will stumble and fumble and ultimately fail because intentions are the things you want and hope and plan to do, but Intent is the unwavering image held in the heart of your heart and soul - the paradigm upon which everything you Think or Do becomes a Realized reflection of the paradigm itself, yes? It is a meta-physical part of you, invisible to the naked eye but no less real than liver or spleen, and if you aren't using it to its full potential, your evolving self is incomplete, dis-eased as a body without a heart, see?

Intent is the active side of clarity, an unwavering vision held firmly in the mind, which serves as the sorcerer's direct interface between question and answer; the metamagickal probe or prod applied to the all-knowing All as a means of extracting the specific Knowledge required to achieve the manifestation of the intent itself; it is the quantum Questioning mother of the Will - not the Will, but without which the Will can never manifest because without Intent the Will has nothing to manifest, nothing to create, no seed to nurture; Intent is the goal/vision the sorcerer projects unceasingly onto the silent screen of eternity until eternity reflects the sorcerer's will by yielding up the information required to achieve the Intended evolution. Intent does not compromise. It does not yield to reason or common sense. It can be summoned clearly, instantly and impeccably in all states of awareness by invocation of the word Intent.

The quantum concepts with which otherworlds are built can give you the keys to the third attention or just as quickly lock the door forever if you take it as commonplace or just another mystery with no solution, and this is another reason your Intent must be impeccably defined with the sharpest knife, a vision cut away from the Nothing which you turn to in times of doubt or confusion. Intent is the instrument you rub against the web of non-local information to create a sympathetic synapse between the brujo's question and the evolutionary answer, the intersection where vision becomes manifestation through manipulation of matter/energy using the invisible tool of Intent itself. It is, quite simply, the overlap point of vision and creation, brought into being by using the question to elicit an answer which is in accordance with the unbending vision.

(Orlando, November 23, 1999)
Excerpt from "Quantum Shaman: Diary of a Nagual Woman"

Recapitulation & the Teflon Warrior

Though I have been on this path of heart for many years, one thing that has traditionally seemed off to me is this idea of recapitulation with the intent of reclaiming lost energy. There are several reasons for this, some scientific and others meta-physical. On the one hand, it makes sense to disentangle the hooks embedded in one's spirit from events in the past, so perhaps it's the wording “reclaiming lost energy” which has always disturbed me. Energy is always in motion and cannot, therefore, really be reclaimed, just as one cannot step into the same river twice.

Also, it's been my experience that attempts at recapitulation could, under certain conditions, actually be harming the warrior's progress, because it will always be easier to deal with the past than to create the future. For myself, what's traditionally worked with regard to not losing energy is to recapitulate as I go along, and that is quite easily done by the simple realization that we live in a world of illusion peopled largely by phantoms. It might be best said that nothing sticks to a teflon mirror. Once we realize the world is folly – truly internalize that down to a molecular level – it becomes only a vast play on a canvas of dust, an interaction with phantom actors who might try to get hooks of their script into us, but there is simply no surface of the warrior vulnerable enough to be penetrated.

The true seeker actually has the ability to reflect those intended hooks right back at the phantom who launched them in the first place, or to merely deflect them so they fall harmlessly aside.

As for recapturing energy from the past, once one begins to live in a manner of a teflon mirror, recapitulation is no longer necessary as a ritualistic practice, for one also realizes that the world has always been folly, thus these events in our past which have left us with hooks begin to fall away quite naturally, which is far more energy efficient trying to re-experience them.

One thing about the Toltec practices, in my opinion, is that way too much emphasis was placed on the idea of making lists and recapping each and every annoying gnat on the nose of my discontent. To me, that is an ultimate waste of time and energy, when the teflon approach works not only in the now, but also as a retroactive enchantment – which is to say, when one masters it in the Now, the ramifications and benefits sweep not only into the future, but also into the past.

My father was a tyrant of the nth degree. It would take years to recap everything that man ever said or did, and though I can see a certain appeal to the traditional idea of recapping, I can also see that it might become one hell of an indulgence, too. By releasing the phantom self, the energy hooks just naturally fall away, because once it is recognized that the warrior is essentially a new being, the whole idea of a long and drawn-out, ritualized, list-bearing recapitulation becomes unnecessary.

So, when a warrior is serious about recapitulation, I encourage them how to recap themselves. And it is not a long and drawn-out process. It is a ruthless shift of the AP and an immediate release of any self-importance or indulgence that may be attached to personal history. Quite obviously, the teflon warrior technique is not something that can be easily accomplished by those new to the path, but works miraculously for those at a more advanced level.

(Excerpt from Quantum Shaman: Diary of a Nagual Woman)
Copyright 2015, All Rights Reserved

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Joiners Need Not Apply

A seeker recently asked whether or not he should join a particular organization. He went on to say that the founder of the organization seemed to advocate raping and eating children. Whether this was a misconception on the part of the seeker or a legitimate nest of crazies, who's to say?  But the fact that anyone would even consider aligning themselves with such an organization prompted the following response...
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If someone is seriously talking about raping and eating children, why in all the collective fucks would you even THINK of joining them? And for that matter, why would you want or need to JOIN anything at all? In almost ALL of the esoteric teachings, "joining" is a fast track to mental and spiritual enslavement, and maybe a whole lot worse. You won't get super powers or immortality through ANY form of ritual or community. You will get it through DOING THE WORK for yourself. What does that LOOK like, you may ask?

1. Define your intent. What do you really WANT? And what could you want so much that you would consider joining a group that rapes and eats children? Ask yourself this question - "Am I right in the head?"

2. While some groups will claim that "Evil is in the eye of the beholder," consider that it is also in the HEART of the do-er. Put simply, there is a concept which Carlos Castaneda calls "the right way to live" - an intrinsic knowing that tells us right from wrong. In order to attain the immortal condition or even simple "enlightenment," you really do NEED to make contact with that aspect of yourself. THAT is where you will find the assemblage point of unconditional love - which is not some ooey-gooey lovey-dovey sweetness-and-light crap. It is the seat of your existence and the source of the power of your own self-creation. FIND IT. And if you can't, go to the bother of creating it.

3. Identify and THOROUGHLY examine all your belief systems - including and especially any belief systems that are telling you there is a short cut to power and immortality. Look not only at WHAT you believe, but ask yourself WHY you believe it. Begin with the stuff that may seem trivial. You probably believe the sun will rise tomorrow morning, right? Maybe the belief is true, maybe it is false. Either way - WHY do you believe it? Who told you? Upon what evidence do you base your belief? In this case, you probably base it on the fact that the sun has always risen every morning since you were born - so you base it on subjective experience. But when you start looking at the bigger belief systems (god, religion, good, evil) you may find that MOST if not ALL of what you currently believe is based on nothing more than what you have been told you SHOULD believe. Start with a simple question in each case - "Does this thing even EXIST apart from my belief in it?" If you are at all honest with yourself, you'll find that most of these "esoteric" beliefs are nothing more than fairy tales. Here's a head start for you to think about - good and evil don't really exist as extant elementals. They are extensions of Man's doings, but even more than that, they are extensions and CREATIONS of Man's beliefs. In and of themselves, there is no difference between "good and evil." What you believe is good, I may perceive as evil. We are both wrong. (And once again, I direct you to "the right way to live" - which is really the ONLY guide we have to tell us right from wrong.)

4. Release your belief systems altogether (this will take time and actual WORK), until you become a "seer" - basically someone who is able to see the world as it is, without the distortions created by false beliefs. This is a stage where you may experience great joy and/or great anger, and/or extreme ecstasy, and/or extreme "depression." Reason being - all those feelings are just the death throes of your false belief systems. We want-to-believe there is goodness in the world. We want-to-believe that the things we do somehow MATTER (they really don't). When you become a seer, you see equally the beauty and the futility in all things. This is where you graduate to "controlled folly."

5. Controlled folly - instead of deteriorating into the state of deep depression because you finally *see* the futility of existence (but also the POTENTIAL for doing the impossible, equally), is when you begin to live your life in a way different from how you've always lived it. Knowing "nothing matters," you nonetheless start to live your life AS IF it matters. You learn to pick your battles, in other words. You don't waste time chasing after political causes or religious fanaticism, you don't involve yourself in "causes" that are ultimately futile, but you DO decide what you are going to do AS IF it matters. To some people, maybe that's raising a family - though that comes with a whole butt-load of programs and issues that I've never personally wanted to undertake, so that was not a "battle" I personally chose. To other people, maybe it is a stand of action for animal rights - not in any political arena, but in direct experience. If you're going to get involved in something, you do so with the knowledge that in the end, it won't matter one wit. But maybe for one individual (yourself), it will make a difference in the direction of the building of your Will and the manifestation of it. If some temporary "good" comes of your actions, so much the better - but if you engage your controlled folly with that EXPECTATION, then you have missed the point altogether.

6. Controlled folly will also require the art of detachment - which involves getting away from the indulgences in all those comforting belief systems. As long as someone believes in god, just for example, there is always the underlying implication that "God will take care of it." When you release that belief system, when you realize that YOU are the only god there is, you begin to come into your own "personal power." As long as there is ANY hope of salvation or divine intervention, you have defeated your own power and settled for a role of "passive observer" rather than "creator of singularities."

There is also a "mantra" that comes with any doings of metaphysics. "As it harms none, do as you Will." This does not mean to do as you PLEASE. It means to do what your Will is capable of doing - what you yourself are capable of bringing into manifestation. "As it harms none..." Think about that before you would even consider joining ANY group, particularly a group that clearly intends to use "evil" as a means to an end (and an end that will never manifest). Anytime you "Join" anything, you have given away your power to the group. Is that really what you want to do? I don't think so. "As it harms none..." Joining is an act that harms YOU... so when you join a group such as that, you've already broken the first law of magick.

Thou art god. Create yourself accordingly. 

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May 12, 2015

Traffic Jamming

January 16, 2004

Traffic was endless. I was at risk of falling asleep at the wheel.

Los Angeles has always conjured up the words in the darkest recesses of my mind: Camelot of the Damned. So as I was leaving that dark gothic necropolis on an afternoon of no particular significance, with the rapidly setting sun in my rearview mirror and a stream of red tail lights stretched out in front of me like an artery bleeding out of the inner city, I began to experience a feeling which is virtually impossible to describe. Some might call it a longing such as one experiences when looking up at the stars and wondering who might be looking back. That was the kind of longing I felt as an eleven-year-old girl longing so desperately for those stars which seemed so very far out of reach, that all she could do was shake her fist at the sky and shout, "If I can't come to you, I'll bring you to me!"

It was something like that which came over me in the car, only darker, and carrying with it an intensity that made me instantly want to turn away from it. I could sing. I could count SUVs. I could turn on a CD and lose myself in someone else's lyrics. But even as I was having that instinctive "run away from this" reaction, it occurred to me to ask: Why did I so want to turn away?

Impossible to categorize, except to say it was an ache from deep in the soul – like the pain one experiences in unrequited love. Bittersweet. Some ancient link to some ancient memory – like waking up one morning with a sense of being in love... only to realize that the object of one's affections died 30 years ago, when you were both still in high school. This feeling had elements of silver winter, a faded photograph that hangs innocuously in the hall for years, until one morning it simply hits you that this is some part of life that is no longer reachable.

Heavy, dark – and yet strangely alluring at the same time. I felt I was looking through time, yet there was no single event or memory I could point to. And then I realized I was looking through the worlds, seeing and experiencing something for which no words exist. The lure of the nagual man, and the pain of knowing I will not see him again in this physical lifetime. The call of the siren he has become – a cold and lonely wind blowing fierce over the icy expanse of eternity. The cry of the muse, beckoning me to follow, but at the same time making it altogether clear that the mortal human never really catches the muse, and the goal therefore is the chase rather than the capture.

Still, knowing all of those things didn't lessen the sensation. Quite the opposite. How is it possible to say that the feeling was energy unto itself, and that by going into that energy, I found myself being pulled out of body right there on the I-10, in the middle of rush-hour traffic, surrounded by gang-bangers in dilapidated death-traps, semis spewing diesel fumes, and the distant screaming of emergency sirens that reminded me of some frightened animal finally driven mad by its unnatural environment.

My body went on automatic, because clearly someone was driving the car. And yet, to my perceptions, I was suddenly standing on a mountaintop that had been nearly 50 miles in the distance – Mt. San Jacinto –  the towering granite peak that looms over Palm Springs and casts a shadow over the entire desert valley.
Years ago, very early on in my journey, I had looked at that mountain, feeling a presence from it that I could not identify, and heard the words through gnosis, “You have to meet the immortal world on its own level.”  At the time, I took those words to mean that it is up to the mortal self to climb the mountain, because only in doing so do we stand any chance of becoming the thing we seek to become. Over time, those words have become something of a personal mantra, whose meaning has grown and evolved along with my own understanding.

At any rate, I suddenly found myself on top of this snowy mountain with Orlando. Normally, when he appears in visions, he might be wearing jeans and a t-shirt or occasionally with nothing but a loincloth and his hair in long dark dreads. On this day, on this inaccessible mountaintop, he was wearing a fine tuxedo, though somehow managed not to look like a stiff jackass in his finery. Top two buttons were undone, and the traditional bow-tie had been left at home.

And there was that feeling again. Looking at him as if he were dressed for a wedding, I knew intuitively that this was not the time we would exchange our final vows. Death had not yet tapped me on the shoulder even though I was standing face to face with my own double, in defiance of one major aspect of the rule of the nagual.

He opened the conversation without preamble. “You humans have no concept of the nature of time.”

I couldn’t very well argue that one, so I challenged him as he has so often done to me. “Then why don’t you tell me?” I invited.

He only laughed. And then he did something completely unpredictable. He made a small cut on his left wrist, but his blood wasn’t red. Instead it was shimmery gold-silver-copper-bronze. Liquid light. Time condensed. Essence of the ancient future.

He gave me that look – the one that ended my world when I knew him in manifestation. Half-smile, half-sinister. “To taste eternity is to understand it,” he said, holding his wrist out to me.

I stood there like some pole-axed schoolgirl, though it shouldn’t surprise me that he would behave like a vampyre – feeding me his lifeforce to make me like himself. That’s long been one of my favorite fantasies, and the nagual man is a  master of knowing exactly what will lure the nagual woman into the Infinite.  And yet…

I found myself not knowing whether to trust the bastard.  Had I miscalculated?  Was I already dead?  Had the Suburban gone off the road and was this, then, just the rehearsal dinner before the darkest wedding of bones to the earth?

 I know myself well enough to know what I’m capable of as a stalker. Would I trick myself into going willingly into the arms of my own death if it meant I would simply walk out of one world where my body was still stuck in a traffic jam, and into the Otherworld where my Whole self was waiting to welcome me with a loving embrace?

 “When it’s time, I won’t have to trick you,” he said, reading my thoughts. “You’ll come to me willingly, and then we’ll dance, because that’s the way we both want it, no?”

He knew I would succumb to his charm. The snow was cold beneath my feet. I could feel it as surely as if my physical body were there. The dusk-wind was blowing through the crack between the worlds.

I took his wrist and drank, and then I simply Knew. In both worlds, I felt my body spasm – like a seizure that occurs when the body is exposed to some massive jolt of electricity. I understood it all – the nature of time, the dance of the immortals, the evolutionary two-part migration of the soul.  To taste eternity was to understand it – right down to a molecular level.

It. Was. All. There.

And yet… when the nagual man pulled his wrist away and I returned to a state of semi-ordinary awareness, the Knowledge left me as quickly as it had filled me. It could not be held, it could not be brought back to this world – no matter how hard I tried, no matter how much I was willing to surrender or let it go. This was simply the way things are, for there was a Truth in his lifeforce that told me we simply do not possess the preceptor organs in first or even second attention to process or store direct memory of events in third attention.
I could taste it and Know it, but it would forever remain the nagual – the literal unknowable – for as long as my organic awareness was housed in the world of ordinary affairs.

The only words that escaped my lips were spoken aloud in two worlds, for I heard the echo of my physical body speaking in unison with my astral Self. “I am here with you.”  What I was trying to convey to myself was that the experience was real – valid. More than just a hallucination or even a vision. Somehow, what I had tasted of eternity had shown me that, and it was all I was able to bring back.

As I spoke, Orlando just laughed softly, maybe even a bit sad. “Exactly.”  Then he shrugged and brushed a snowflake off the lapel of his tux. “It’s about remembering on the bridge between the worlds. Humans have forgotten how to remember the other self, so they get lost in the little dream down there in the traffic.”  He jutted his chin toward the freeway which was nothing more than an unmoving line of light, lightyears distant, and for a moment, I had no idea what he was talking about – for I had forgotten that dream.

“Will I ever be able to remember what I experienced today?” I asked. “Will I ever be able to bring it back to ordinary awareness?”

He looked at me for a very long time, then reached out to pull me against his chest. He was real in my arms – far more real than the endless river of taillights and the heartbeat of some vicious rap song on a passing radio. It had nothing to do with time or otherworlds. It had to do with perception and awareness – with Knowing it is real instead of only believing it.

“Now that you’ve tasted eternity, all you have to do is remember,” he said.

And then I was back in traffic. A funeral was in progress at Forest Lawn, and just as the sun slipped below the horizon, a flock of white doves was released from somewhere near the coffin that was being slowly lowered into the ground. On the CD player, Amy Lee of Evanescence was screaming out a plea to the cosmos, to her own double:  “Bring… me… to… life.”

And so I go on, struggling always to remember.

 _______________
Copyright 2015, by Della Van Hise
All Rights Reserved

Excerpted from Quantum Shaman: Diary of a Nagual Woman