Tuesday, April 07, 2015
The Longing of the Heart
There is an energy in sorcery that has no name in any language. The closest words can come to describing it is a soul-deep pain, not unlike the longing for the stars you felt as children. It is that energy, when carefully directed, that fuels the heart of the double and causes it to begin to beat. First just a single drum in the night, a long, single beat. Then a little faster as the ache inside you grows over the years. The danger faced by both the double and the mortal self is simply that if the ache dies, the heart of the twin can cease to beat. It is the hurt that will make you hunt a cure. But if you let the hurt die because you are afraid of never being able to soothe the ache, what really dies is yourself, yes? (Orlando, 2003)
I remember being about 6 years old, and feeling that terrible ache/longing for the first time, and it actually took my breath away. When I tried to explain it to my mother, she looked at me as if I were daft, and I don't think she had ever experienced it. For me, it has indeed proven to be the heartbeat of the double.
Some might say the conclusion that there is “no cure” is perhaps a self-fulfilling prophecy which could have the dangerous side-effect of self-pity if one is not careful – which is why don Juan often cautioned Carlos against morbidity. For myself, the "cure" has always been around the next bend in the road, over the next hill, beyond the next horizon. The cure is not the destination, but the way of traveling.
Most of all, the cure is the Knowledge that if one is ever REALLY cured of their longing, one has become a phantom.